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What’s
the difference
between legal and physical custody?
Physical
custody refers to the parent’s right to
have the children actually live in their
home, and in joint physical custody the
children have two primary residences, even
if time in each is not equal.
Joint legal custody refers to the
shared responsibility, regardless of where
the children are living, for making such
major decisions as where they will go to
school and what their religious upbringing
will be.
Frequently divorcing couples share
one type of joint custody without the
other.
What
are the advantages of joint custody?
1.
Living
in both households allows children to
maintain a strong relationship with both
parents.
Fathers who share physical custody
tend to spend much more time with their
children, and mothers (and fathers) need
periods of relief from the demands of single
parenting.
When both parents are available,
children enjoy the unique gifts of guidance,
discipline, and demonstrated love of each
parent.
Additionally, your children will
learn that men can nurture and women can
take charge.
2.
Children
benefit when parental relations are
cooperative and there are no ongoing custody
battles.
Even if you feel very angry with him
over the breakup, you may be able to
cooperate in parenting your children.
If you can tolerate sharing physical
custody, chances you both will be more
satisfied and less likely to return to
court. Your
children will have less opportunity to
manipulate, and will learn that even
painful, serious conflicts can be resolved
in a civil way.
3.
Children in shared physical custody
have “normal time” with both parents. When
mothers have sole custody, “Sunday Dads”
often shower kids with costly activities and
gifts aimed at making up for lost time.
This is turn generates resentment
from mothers who are left with the less
glamorous jobs of setting limits and
disciplining.
When your children live part-time
with both of you, these inequities tend to
disappear
4.
Joint physical
custody may
lessen or eliminate the traumatic
sense of loss and rejection children often
feel when a parent moves out. If
your children
are allowed continuous access to both
parents, they are more likely to adjust to
the divorce and be able to focus on, “ the
totally absorbing business of growing up, on
schedule” (from Mom’s House, Dad’s
House by Isolina Ricci).
5.
Children may benefit materially.
75% of fathers with joint custody pay
child support regularly, compared to 46% of
fathers whose ex-wives have sole custody.
What
are the disadvantages of shared custody?
1.
Children’s
daily lives can resemble Ping-Pong balls.
This
is particularly true when there are no
consistent schedules planned ahead of time,
and children move back and forth at the whim
of parental needs.
As a very general rule, young
children need much more frequent access to
parents, while middle school children and
older may enjoy and tolerate longer stays
with each parent.
When you have several children with
different age-related needs, it may be
difficult to come up with a plan that works
to each one’s benefit.
The
“bounce” syndrome is compounded when
each child’s developmental, educational,
and social needs are not considered.
Children with learning disabilities,
for example, will have more trouble
organizing their schoolwork when they
shuttle between 2 homes.
If, for example, you are both keeping
track of school assignments, gaps
easily occur.
“I thought you were keeping up with
his math” is a familiar refrain.
2.
The
psychological impact may be a sense of lack
of control and chaos in a child’s life. Predictability and
stability help children develop confidence
and the ability to take reasonable risks. If
your children experience life as
unpredictable or out of their control, they
are more likely to misbehave, develop
somatic symptoms, or become depressed.
3.
Expenses are greater in maintaining
two full residences.
You’ll need double of everything:
clothing, furniture, and other necessities.
4.
When parents have unresolved marital
issues, the demands of sharing physical
custody can make things worse.
You will need more constant
discussion and negotiation around everyday
activities, and this contact may compound
the hurt or anger you already feel.
In contrast, a sole custody
arrangement with visitation requires minimal
ex-spouse contact, and allows you both
greater freedoms to move forward in your
lives.
What
factors should I consider in deciding
whether joint physical custody could work?
·
Trust
level around parenting issues during your
marriage.
·
Strength
of both your motivations to make it work
·
Children’s
ages, needs, and personalities.
·
Financial
situation.
·
Level
of emotional adjustment of both parents
prior to the divorce.
Shared
custody works best when:
·
Parents can maintain a civil, business-like
relationship.
·
Arrangements are planned around the children’s
needs and developmental requirements.
·
Schedules are predictable and stable but flexible
enough to change when circumstances dictate
it.
·
Parents live in physical proximity.
·
Parents are careful to support and not undermine each other, regardless
of their feelings about each other.
·
Financial resources are available to maintain two full residences.
*Children
whose parents are in less conflict will fare
best in either arrangement.
How
can we develop a fair agreement?
Divorce
mediation offers the best structure for
discussing and negotiating both large and
small details of your parenting agreement.
Our adversarial system, in contrast,
sets you up to do battle with each other,
and allows lawyers and judges to negotiate
decisions for you.
This can be expensive both
financially and emotionally.
Once a downward cycle of demands and
accusations gets started, it’s very
difficult to reach agreement, and even
harder to generate long-term good
will.
Mediators
are specially trained professionals, usually
with legal or mental health background, who
help couples work through animosity and pain
to resolve conflicts about children and
finances.
In mediation, you and your spouse
will make the important decisions about what
parenting agreement is best for your family.
Joint
physical custody-yes or no?
Separation
is a crisis that turns your world upside
down, and some days you wish you could just
wake up to a different reality.
There are so many decisions to make,
and your parenting/custody agreement is
probably the most important one.
You know you’ll have to live with
it for the next 20 years. Whether joint
physical custody is a smart solution or a
problematic plan depends on your unique
situation.
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Resolve
your parenting
Divorce and Family Mediation Services welcomes
your questions!